Dear Cybersorter,
I blog and I tweet so I keep my Facebook to only 70 friends and all my settings on “friends Only. This is my private forum.
Yesterday I saw a tweet, from a guy I didn’t know, reporting something I had said on FB. I discovered he’s a friend of only one of my friends. So my FB friend must’ve told him what i said.
This, for me, is a defriending offense. On the other hand the friend was super nice to me in the past. Should I defriend?
Your privacy is only as good as your big mouth friends.
Exposed
Dear Exposed,
You are right. Whether your relationships are on-line or face-time, people, even friends, will occasionally betray you. However, there is a difference between sitting at the kitchen table over a cup of tea, saying “this is in a cone of silence” and confiding in someone, and writing it up on your Facebook wall.
Many assume that what is written on FB is intended for public consumption and fair play. That doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t check with you first, but some of your FB friends are there because they like you and some of them because they like being connected with you.
In your email you alerted me to a handy tool called http://www.reclaimprivacy.org/facebook, which checks for holes in your security settings. There’s no safety bot for weeding out your more self interested “friends”. However, this one has now exposed themselves and despite past kindness, unless it was saving your or your dog’s life, you can and probably should defriend.
Cybersorter: Social Media Agony Aunt. Help navigating your relationships on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Foursquare, Text etc. I focus on etiquette with tech.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sick Of Being Sold To
Dear Cybersorter,
I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a vague acquaintance who runs a retail business. All she ever did was ask me to 'like' her business page. She never took part in any discussions or posted anything herself. I 'ignored' the first five 'like' requests but after the sixth I blocked her. I really didn't mind being asked once, but after that I expected her to realise that I'm just not interested.
She really seemed to miss the whole point of Facebook - friendliness, reciprocity, conversation, fun.
However, in case I bump into her, will she know I have blocked her?
Sick of Being Sold To
Dear Sick of Being Sold To,
Blocked and de-friended people are not sent notification that they have been blocked. If you block someone on Facebook (not just de-friend them) then you become invisible to each other. If they search you they will not find you. Instead of saying “Not today thanks” to the double glazing salesperson, you are slamming the door in his face, telling him never to darken it again and erecting a 10 ft wall around your house, especially for him.
When she next sends you a “like” my business page message (in the next 5 mins by the sound of it) it will simply disappear into the Internet ether, never to reach and irritate you.
Since it is clear she is not seeking reciprocity, but is doing the equivalent of trying to strap you down and force you to watch her advertisement repeatedly, she probably won’t realise.
Ignorance is bliss; and a bad way of conducting business.
I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a vague acquaintance who runs a retail business. All she ever did was ask me to 'like' her business page. She never took part in any discussions or posted anything herself. I 'ignored' the first five 'like' requests but after the sixth I blocked her. I really didn't mind being asked once, but after that I expected her to realise that I'm just not interested.
She really seemed to miss the whole point of Facebook - friendliness, reciprocity, conversation, fun.
However, in case I bump into her, will she know I have blocked her?
Sick of Being Sold To
Dear Sick of Being Sold To,
Blocked and de-friended people are not sent notification that they have been blocked. If you block someone on Facebook (not just de-friend them) then you become invisible to each other. If they search you they will not find you. Instead of saying “Not today thanks” to the double glazing salesperson, you are slamming the door in his face, telling him never to darken it again and erecting a 10 ft wall around your house, especially for him.
When she next sends you a “like” my business page message (in the next 5 mins by the sound of it) it will simply disappear into the Internet ether, never to reach and irritate you.
Since it is clear she is not seeking reciprocity, but is doing the equivalent of trying to strap you down and force you to watch her advertisement repeatedly, she probably won’t realise.
Ignorance is bliss; and a bad way of conducting business.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Foul Language Leads to Drop in Followers
Dear Cybersorter,
I posted a rant on Twitter that finished with "F**K Off!” Within a minute I saw 4 of my followers drop. Are people really that sensitive and if so, what the hell are they doing on an open social network?
Do I ask why they left, was it the post? How do I find out who they are? Why am I even bothered? Is there an App to find this info?
Anyway, to those that did leave, well, feck 'em :)
Cheers, T
Dear T,
The app you want is called Qwitter and it updates you on all those who have quit following you and the last tweet you sent out before they quit you.
Social media users can be surprisingly prudish about swearing, though it may also have been due to your opinions rather than how colourfully expressed.
Clearly, you are not keening over your losses, but it irks.
Therefore, I recommend you avail of "qwitter therapy", which brings you to inspirational quotes about unrecognised genius.
I assume that saying "feck 'em" to your detractors in the Irish Times will be a satisfactory way of saying bubye but don't forget to un-follow them too. Otherwise you are letting them lecture you without the satisfaction of making them see you swear at them, again.
I posted a rant on Twitter that finished with "F**K Off!” Within a minute I saw 4 of my followers drop. Are people really that sensitive and if so, what the hell are they doing on an open social network?
Do I ask why they left, was it the post? How do I find out who they are? Why am I even bothered? Is there an App to find this info?
Anyway, to those that did leave, well, feck 'em :)
Cheers, T
Dear T,
The app you want is called Qwitter and it updates you on all those who have quit following you and the last tweet you sent out before they quit you.
Social media users can be surprisingly prudish about swearing, though it may also have been due to your opinions rather than how colourfully expressed.
Clearly, you are not keening over your losses, but it irks.
Therefore, I recommend you avail of "qwitter therapy", which brings you to inspirational quotes about unrecognised genius.
I assume that saying "feck 'em" to your detractors in the Irish Times will be a satisfactory way of saying bubye but don't forget to un-follow them too. Otherwise you are letting them lecture you without the satisfaction of making them see you swear at them, again.
Facebook Photo Tagging Reveals Real You
Dear Cybersorter,
Before Facebook, I had a compartmentalised life. In work, I am Mr. Professional, wearing a tie and waving at charts. When I get home, I try to be romantic. When I'm with my friends, I'm probably going to be the one wearing a lampshade as a hat.
Now, thanks to Facebook tagging, my world is in tatters! My credibility is shot! People tag me in all sorts of incriminating pictures, how can I stop them doing that!
I can't defriend anyone (I am, after all, friends with all of them), but I'd like to avoid the sinking feeling I get when I get the email that someone has tagged a photo of me.
Yours, Compromised.
Dear Compromised,
Facebook membership means your life is an open picture book. The problem is you are not always the author or editor of your own story. You cannot stop anyone from tagging you in a photo but you can go view the photo and click "remove tag".
Unfortunately the owner of the photo can still leave the picture up for anyone to see.
How much do you know and trust your Facebook friends?Anthropologist Robin Dunbar asserts that you can only sustain stable social relationships with roughly 150 people. Apply Dunbar's number to your Facebook.
If you find a photo of yourself you don’t like; 1) ring or visit the "friend" who has posted the offending picture and ask them to take it off the site, (this won't go down well if you yell at your wife for posting a picture of you walking hand in hand in the sunset) 2) Never friend anyone stupid, 3) Never do anything stupid, or 4) Compartmentalise your social media. Facebook is not the only platform.
Defriending in a fit of pique
Dear Cybersorter,
In a fit of pique I defriended the guy I had been dating because he did something to annoy me. Later I realised that I had gotten the wrong end of the stick and overreacted. He is, in reality, totally sweet and fab and I fear I am an emotional nutter.
Do I tell him my Facebook has gone wonky and I need to re-friend him or do I just let it slide and hope he wont notice????
Dear Wonky,
Saving face on Facebook is difficult to achieve.There's a reason most humans, (leaving out footballers, D list celebrities and criminals) have evolved a reticence to act on first impulse. It tends to embarrass us.
This is doubly true for social media where, due to it's private in public nature, the exercising of strong emotions should not be taken lightly.
If he is in any way sensible he will notice you are not present in his news feed and if you tell him "My Facebook went wonky" he won't believe you. That's not to say it's not the answer.
Sometimes these little white lies help us say what needs to be said without saying it and move on, face and facebook intact.
In a fit of pique I defriended the guy I had been dating because he did something to annoy me. Later I realised that I had gotten the wrong end of the stick and overreacted. He is, in reality, totally sweet and fab and I fear I am an emotional nutter.
Do I tell him my Facebook has gone wonky and I need to re-friend him or do I just let it slide and hope he wont notice????
Dear Wonky,
Saving face on Facebook is difficult to achieve.There's a reason most humans, (leaving out footballers, D list celebrities and criminals) have evolved a reticence to act on first impulse. It tends to embarrass us.
This is doubly true for social media where, due to it's private in public nature, the exercising of strong emotions should not be taken lightly.
If he is in any way sensible he will notice you are not present in his news feed and if you tell him "My Facebook went wonky" he won't believe you. That's not to say it's not the answer.
Sometimes these little white lies help us say what needs to be said without saying it and move on, face and facebook intact.
Aggresive De-friending
Dear Cyber Sorter,
Recently several friends friends posted the following right wing prayer to their profiles;
"DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN"
In reaction I joined the group, "Petition to remove facebook group praying for President Obama's death"
Now they have ‘un-friended' me. I want them to know that I too want to un-friend them – but they got to it first. Should I just let it go or is there another way to let them know that they are in the wrong?
Thanks
J. R. Dublin
Dear J.R,
We will leave aside the fact that you were friends (allbeit online) with people whose favourite actor and singer were Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Perhaps they had other qualities.
The fact is you have moved on from being online frenemies to outright enemies. So you have little to loose.
Send them fresh requests for friendship. Add a groveling note about how you have since found God , and how He has had a stern word with you about the necessity for Barak Obama to die.
If they accept your friendship request then revenge is your oyster. Spam their walls with clips from Bill Maher's documentary Religulous and post up Atheist society billboards. If you really want to aggravate them then ridicule the Fox news channel.
Then, before they get the chance, cut them off at the knees and defriend them. It can all be done in the satisfying space of 10 minutes.
Only you can be the judge of whether it is worth spending that much time on.
Recently several friends friends posted the following right wing prayer to their profiles;
"DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT. YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA. AMEN"
In reaction I joined the group, "Petition to remove facebook group praying for President Obama's death"
Now they have ‘un-friended' me. I want them to know that I too want to un-friend them – but they got to it first. Should I just let it go or is there another way to let them know that they are in the wrong?
Thanks
J. R. Dublin
Dear J.R,
We will leave aside the fact that you were friends (allbeit online) with people whose favourite actor and singer were Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Perhaps they had other qualities.
The fact is you have moved on from being online frenemies to outright enemies. So you have little to loose.
Send them fresh requests for friendship. Add a groveling note about how you have since found God , and how He has had a stern word with you about the necessity for Barak Obama to die.
If they accept your friendship request then revenge is your oyster. Spam their walls with clips from Bill Maher's documentary Religulous and post up Atheist society billboards. If you really want to aggravate them then ridicule the Fox news channel.
Then, before they get the chance, cut them off at the knees and defriend them. It can all be done in the satisfying space of 10 minutes.
Only you can be the judge of whether it is worth spending that much time on.
Falling Foul of Foursquare
Dear Cybersorter,
My husband plays the online game Foursquare, where you compete with others to "check in" online at as many locations as many times as possible. I had a long day with our two children last Friday while he was in work. We were all ill; at lunchtime we agreed he would come home on time to take over. The allotted time came and went. I checked my FB status and there was an update from him, five minutes ago, checking into the pub!
I am furious. How should I proceed?
Yours,
Furious in Foxrock
Dear Furious,
You are suffering from U.R (understandable rage). Your options are 3 fold. 1) send him furious text messages including a graphic recount of how you gave birth to his children, twice. 2) Go offline completely, read The Surrendered Wife and repress all your wishes and needs in favour of his, and implode. 3.)Don't say a word. The idiot is wide open and you can keep tabs on him at all times. This means you can make him suffer without ever having to tell him why.
He can remove his foursquare feeds from his FB updates but if you can figure out his username (try "plonker1972) you could still track him using Google. That's a step too far. You don't want to get creepy and end up staring on a you tube reality show called "Married Bunny Boilers Island"
My husband plays the online game Foursquare, where you compete with others to "check in" online at as many locations as many times as possible. I had a long day with our two children last Friday while he was in work. We were all ill; at lunchtime we agreed he would come home on time to take over. The allotted time came and went. I checked my FB status and there was an update from him, five minutes ago, checking into the pub!
I am furious. How should I proceed?
Yours,
Furious in Foxrock
Dear Furious,
You are suffering from U.R (understandable rage). Your options are 3 fold. 1) send him furious text messages including a graphic recount of how you gave birth to his children, twice. 2) Go offline completely, read The Surrendered Wife and repress all your wishes and needs in favour of his, and implode. 3.)Don't say a word. The idiot is wide open and you can keep tabs on him at all times. This means you can make him suffer without ever having to tell him why.
He can remove his foursquare feeds from his FB updates but if you can figure out his username (try "plonker1972) you could still track him using Google. That's a step too far. You don't want to get creepy and end up staring on a you tube reality show called "Married Bunny Boilers Island"
"My Boss Wants to Friend me on Facebook"
Dear Cybersorter,
My boss wants to "friend" me on Facebook. This isn't a person who I want to see my fancy dress holiday snaps and intimate family shots but the professional relationship is too important to reject the request. Now I feel like I can’t be myself on Facebook and have to hold back because my boss can see my daily mutterings with my mates when I am a lot less formal. Would it be dreadful to accept the request and then strike them off? I don't want to have to stop corresponding with my friends on FB. Help!
My boss wants to "friend" me on Facebook. This isn't a person who I want to see my fancy dress holiday snaps and intimate family shots but the professional relationship is too important to reject the request. Now I feel like I can’t be myself on Facebook and have to hold back because my boss can see my daily mutterings with my mates when I am a lot less formal. Would it be dreadful to accept the request and then strike them off? I don't want to have to stop corresponding with my friends on FB. Help!
Dear Professional Person,
You want to come out of this sipping a Mojito with the boss rather than lobbing a Molotov cocktail into your office politics
Check your privacy settings as they may still be open, allowing your boss to see your wall posts without friending you. This means you may view her profile online, should things disintegrate to the point of needing ammunition, but a few simple steps should prevent that. Accepting and then striking might lead to embarrassing recriminations
Instead try: 1) Accept your boss as a friend then segment your friends list, so that only those you choose can see your wall posts. 2) "Ignore" your boss and either have a pleasant conversation with her about how much you like her...but not that much or 3) Set yourself up with professional networking site LinkedIn, which is like a grown-ups-at-work version of Facebook , and invite her to connect with you on that platform.
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