Developing a Twitter Personality

Dear Cybersorter,

I have noticed that when I tweet about food or my cat I always get a few pleasant responses. If I tweet about more serious issues, though, no one seems to want to listen.

I prefer to talk in a public forum about more sensible things but it’s very tempting to talk crap when you get better feedback. 

How should I develop my Twitter personality?

N.C

Dear N.C

Along with bringing down despotic regimes and challenging the judgement of entire judicial systems, Twitter is still the tool by which people keep tight, or try to keep up, with their friends.

Tweeters, like other bunches of people, have things in common. Eating, fluffy kittens (please note the apostrophe), Star Wars and popular music will hit any available “like” button inside the head of the majority of Internet users.

It’s all about getting the balance right. Tweet inanely about such things on a constant or even overly regular basis and it will demark you as a sad git to the cool gang.

It’s also not a good plan to put too much nonsense out there if you are trying got build a professional front or may want one in the near to medium future. It’s wise to remember your Twitter profile is your public profile (unless you have protected your tweets).

When you say no one seems to want to listen to your more serious points it’s more likely most people aren’t willing to weigh in on something you seem to know more about than them (although it doesn’t stop loads of Twitter users). Just because someone hasn’t replied directly to your smart tweet, doesn’t mean it hasn’t resonated.

Think of the tweets you have read that you didn’t respond to but thought about afterwards or repeated to a friend or acquaintance.

People endlessly re-tweet the banal rubbish that celebrities bleurgh out while waiting for their Botox. Slavish numbskulls re-tweets don’t make their thoughts useful, valid or worthwhile.

Being yourself on Twitter is probably the easiest and best route to go. Lying about your personality to your twitter followers is like lying to your wife about the stag weekend in Wales. You get found out. It’s embarrassing when you do.

Your Twitter personality is your personality, only a little sharper (squeezed into 140 characters) a little funnier (don’t tweet too much when you’re down) and bit cooler (notice trends and pick up on them – but only when you fully understand them).

This way you won’t tweet like you’ve been Botoxed in the brain.

How to Help Your Teenager Manage Her Facebook Time

Dear Cyber Sorter,
My daughter is studying for her Leaving Certificate this year. She is mad into Facebook and I am concerned she spends more time on there than she does studying. It seems like a real distraction. I am on Facebook and I am friends with her on it so I know she’s logging on a lot. I considered limiting her computer time in favour of study time but she says she needs her computer to study, which is true.
How can I cut her Facebook time without causing a big teenage strop?
–CM

Dear CM,
You are right to fear negative effects. A recent survey by OnlineEducation.net found that students who “multi-tasked”, using Facebook in conjunction with studying, attained grades that were 20 per cent lower than those of their more focused peers.
The same has been said of television, but when a student is using a computer to study, it is more difficult to resist the temptation to log in and procrastinate.
There are positives from the same survey. Students who used Facebook felt more engaged with their school community than those who weren’t on the social network.
Fortunately, your daughter has not availed of several ways in which she could hide her Facebook usage from you. This shows openness and trust towards you. Resist the temptation to nag her or alienate her. Instead try to offer some coping mechanisms for dealing with her workload and upping her productive study time.
Suggest to her that the first thing she does on a study day is log into Facebook. She can spend up to half an hour catching up, reading through her news feed and responding to messages.
Then when the time is up she must log off. This removes the tab that whispers, “Open me. I’m far more fun than basic binary programming theory. Just for a little while. I promise you won’t spend long.”
It’s not a good idea to log back on during study breaks as it is likely to extend that break more than necessary. She is likely to benefit more from a walk away from her computer or a phone call with a friend.
It’s as easy to lose time on social media as it is to lose money in a casino. Telling her she is spending too much time on Facebook is likely to make her mentally plug her fingers in her ears and sing “la la la” until you stop.
There is an app that can help. Apps, such as 8aWeek, set up a toolbar on the browser where she can see how long she is spending on certain websites, such as Facebook. This app also allows her to set a timer on the site so she can restrict her usage.
As you are also on Facebook, she knows she can’t get away with saying it’s part of her study.
If you give her the tools, both software and psychological, to organise her time effectively, she is far more likely to thank you instead of defriending you, blocking you and starting a blog called “My Mammy Nags Me”. (Cyber Sorter regrets she is unable to guarantee prevention of teenage strops due to the inability to control other people’s hormones and brain development.)

How to Hide Embarassing Books on Kindle

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I have a Kindle and I love it. I read a lot of classic literature and consider myself well read and well educated. I also love an occasional thriller and some romance. The problem with the Kindle is that everyone wants to have a look at it and see how it works. If someone takes a look through my Kindle books they will see all my potboiler shame.
With paperbacks I could just kick them under the bed or disown them with the words, “Oh I wonder how that awful stuff got onto my bookshelf. Must have been so and so.” Is there any way I can hide books on Kindle?
- FG

Dear FG,
It makes me very happy to say yes, there is. You can hide your entire library. Make sure you are connected to the internet, then scroll down to the bottom and click on “collection”. Then click “hide” and it’s gone.
If you want to hide only certain books use the toggle or rocker button on the right. Select the title and click to the right and you will get a title page. Click on “remove from device”.
It actually just puts the book into “archived”, which you can access by clicking the “next page” button until you get the bottom of your list of books. It is easy to restore from here.
So whether it’s chick lit, erotica or that pile of self-help books, you can keep your private reading private.

"Finally, my Friendship Ha Been Accepted...Hang on a Minute!"

Dear Cyber Sorter,
My sister-in-law, whom I have known for nine years, has accepted my friendship request on Facebook after ignoring it for 18 months.
I see her regularly and I always thought we got on fine, even if secretly I find her a bit loud and annoying.
It has surprised me how offended I feel now that she has chosen to accept my request. When she was ignoring it, I assumed she just hadn’t seen it or whatever and didn’t really think about it. Now I think she was ignoring me because she didn’t want to be connected to me online.
Have I got this all out of proportion? Isn’t it rude to ignore someone for so long only to accept them at last?
- GJ

Dear GJ,
Perhaps you are reading too much into this. Isn’t it possible that your sister-in-law hadn’t seen or had overlooked your friendship request? Or that she may have hit “ignore” before by accident? Then on a rare and thorough inspection of her profile came across your innocent little “friend” request and clicked “accept” without thinking any more about it.
Of course, she could be a manipulative, game-playing, evil witch. You know her better than I do, but these things are easily missed.
It would probably be better for everyone if you were to go with the first explanation and continue with your social life unaffected. After all, you have admitted you don’t like her much either.

A Newsfeed that's More Baby Ga Ga than Lady Gaga

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I’m in my late twenties, and it would appear it’s the start of a new era. The baby era. People are popping them out left, right and centre, and while I’m delighted for them and plan to join them at some stage, I’m not there yet.
Where I am is on Facebook, reading their tedious status updates. I would have thought it went without saying that one loves their offspring, so why do they feel the need to plaster it all over my feed (complete with love hearts)? I’m happy you’re happy, but stop shoving it down my throat. There are only so many “Mummy is so happy with her little darling who is the best baby in the world!” statements a person can handle.
Is there a polite way of getting this message across to my friends?
JL

Dear JL,
It is an awful pain when your friends get brainwashed by their babies. Almost anything is easier to stomach than hourly updates on nappy creams and winding.
It’s very hard not to be irritated by anyone one knows falling desperately and blindly in love with anyone other than oneself, be it a boyfriend, girlfriend or a baby. They become myopic, one-topic beings, with none of the wit, flair or interest in your life – or indeed the outside world – that they had before their brains were hormonally charged up and let loose on Facebook
It sounds as if it’s not just the dull, gurgle gurgle goo content of the updates that is bothering you but perhaps the niggling worry that, if all your friends are in this zone, you should be too.
You simply cannot say anything about how annoying this is, even in the mildest tone, to your new Mummy and Daddy friends without mortally offending them. As far as they are concerned you should be riveted to every burp and nappy update, as this is the most fascinating and important topic in the history of the world.
So, do yourself a favour and hide their updates from after the first photos of the newborn until between six months to one year old. Send these friends the odd message and email to stay in touch instead, beginning in the following manner:
“Dear New Mummy Friend, Glad you and the baby are doing well. You might not have seen this amazing article (link to the article) about how smoking is back in fashion! What do you think?”
This healthy form of normal adult interaction will almost definitely come as a breath of fresh air to New Mummy who, though currently enamoured of her darling infant, is also suffering from a horrifying form of mental malaise and mild isolation. This way you can be the brilliant friend who allows her to still be herself and have access to the grown-up world, and your newsfeed goes back to being more Lady Gaga than baby ga ga.

Boss Excited by Social Media But Also Clueless About It.

Dear Cybersorter,
The company I work for is very excited about using Twitter to “put our message out there” and “get social” (their words, not mine).
Despite the Office Space style of their communication, I think they are right in wanting to build an online profile for the company and get potential clients and customers to connect with us.
The problem is my boss is insistent that on top of all my many duties, he now expects a constant flow of information and updates for our Facebook page and on our Twitter profile.
I can’t keep up and I’m worried I’ll say or do something damaging to the company if I continue to juggle everything at the current rate.
– DB 

Dear DB,
It’s great your company has cottoned on to the benefits of social media, even if it’s only because the boss just read about it in the Financial Times and decided to jump on the Facepig’s back.
There are applications, such as Buffer (bufferapp.com) for Twitter and Sendible (sendible.com) that allow you to stack up your tweets and FB messages and schedule their release.
However, this will not entirely solve your problem and beware stacking up tweets and messages that may go stale while they wait.
Companies who do well via social media do so because they are committed to it and, crucially, because they provide a forum for customers and clients to respond and feel listened to.
Your company needs a full-time social media manager. Old-school bosses have made the mistake of assuming that because social media is ostensibly free, the work that goes into managing it should be too and they get an intern to do it.
Make your boss aware of the atrocious and costly social media mistakes of some of the biggest companies in the world, including Nestle and United Airlines. This should be enough to convince her of the need to allocate resources to this issue.

"I Want to Take Back My Friendship Request"

Dear Cybersorter,
I met a guy at a party a couple of weeks ago. He was good craic and I liked him. He was flirtatious with me, and my friend who was with me agreed it wasn’t in my imagination.
I decided to send him a friend request on Facebook. Then I found out that he’s married, which makes me regret doing that. Is there any way to take back my request to be friends?
– RB 

Dear RB,
You are in luck, as until recently there wasn’t a way to retract your friendship request. There is now. Search for the person on your Facebook page and click on them. Scroll down and click “Cancel Friendship Request” under his profile picture. It should give you a reassuring “Friendship Request Cancelled” message.
You should also be aware that when you request friendship from someone it opens up some of your Facebook profile to them for a limited period of time before they have accepted your request. They will be able to see the categories Basic, Personal, Work and Education Info and Friends.
All the same, be cautious when a friend agrees that someone finds you attractive. It is a very rare, possibly extinct, sort of friend who says, “No, he clearly didn’t fancy you at all.” Even if he didn’t.

Keep Your Friends close and your Enemies on your Follow List

Dear Cybersorter,
I regularly check my followers on Twitter every four to five days. If I find someone has unfollowed, I usually do the same. I just find it rude. I noticed that @namewithheld had unfollowed me, but noticed that I wasn’t following him either. I thought it was some mistake on my part, so I refollowed and sent an apology to him.
We had exchanged tweets only last week about how the joy of being on Twitter was the chance to debate different viewpoints. This is why I am surprised that he seems to have blocked me. I’ve tried to follow again, but when I check back, I’m not following.
How can you find out if you have been blocked? To be honest, I don’t really care, but I’ve read that if you are blocked, it affects Twitter apps. I haven’t been able to access my Twitter for iPhone app since yesterday morning, which is annoying.
As for @namewitheld, I’m not worried about him. He’s a bit nuts, and I enjoyed reading his hysteria but it doesn’t worry me if he has blocked me. Losing my Twitter app for 24 hours did annoy me though.
– TM

Dear TM,
Sometimes when people set out for their day on Twitter they could use a mummy figure, a big bird – if you like – to remind them to play nicely with the other tweeps.
Your Twitter row sounds remarkably similar to those occasions when conversation gets heated in a bar. Then, perhaps someone steps in or one of you becomes reasonable, everyone shakes hands and backs off. Afterwards, though, both parties call each other various forms of eejit to everyone else and threaten to deck them if they ever come within swinging distance again.
The joy of the nearly-bar-brawl has been moved on to Twitter, only, when we are being pointed on Twitter, in only 140 characters and with a thin veil of pseudo-sophistication, we can come across as sharp.
It is passive aggressive to admit to the benefits of engaging with differing opinions and then cut dead anyone who disagrees with you, but since you are not keening the loss it also doesn’t matter.
With regards to your Twitter app, one person blocking you should not affect it, it’s more likely you merely needed to update the app or that it had crashed for that period of time.
You can now easily check if someone has blocked you by clicking on their profile and clicking the “Follow” button. This will explicitly tell you if you have been blocked.
If he was particularly vindictive he may have blocked you and reported you as spam. Twitter’s Trust and Safety team investigate reports of spam and shut down spam accounts. However, one malicious report will not get you cut off from anything.
I’m curious about your policy to unfollow tweeters who unfollow you.
While there is sense in basic manners, would it not be good to know what your enemy is thinking? Keep your friends close and your enemies on your follow list, unless, of course, they’ve blocked you.

Repeated Friendship Requests from an Overactive Updater

Dear Cybersorter,
A while ago I accepted a Facebook friendship request from a business acquaintance. He is at a lower rung but very enthusiastic. That’s the problem. He is so enthusiastic he posts constant updates about his day.
It got so annoying I defriended him but he found out and re-requested friendship. I ignored his request and he sent another one. I bump into him every now and then in my professional capacity and I can’t bear to be rude so I accepted his friendship request again.
Is there any way I can avoid him online without having to face him offline?
PR

Dear PR,
Your acquaintance is clogging up your newsfeed with spam. Any gratuitous, uncalled for material can be spam, even if we know the spammer and let them in through a crack in the digital door.
You could send him a message explaining you are moving all your professional contacts onto LinkedIn, but I’m guessing your tenacious friend might reject that course of action. He clearly hasn’t taken the defriending hint, twice.
The best course of action is to hide his updates (hover your mouse over the top right corner of one of his updates. Click on X and click “Hide all messages from . . .”). Then you can enjoy Facebook without updates on Mr Enthusiasm’s day of joy and hard work.

Fake Facebook Friends

Dear Cybersorter,
I am friends with an old classmate on Facebook. All through school he was short and weedy and a bit mean. I didn’t like him much. He wasn’t particularly talented at anything and would hang out with his bigger friends on the football pitch all the time. He would often make snide comments to me in class.
Now, I am tormented by pictures of him with his fabulous new life in Canada with a stunning girlfriend. His updates are about going yachting and having summer barbeques with beautiful people.
By comparison, my life is humdrum and grey around the edges. It’s eating me up but I know if I defriend him he’s going to know it’s because his life is better than mine; and it shouldn’t be.
DC

Dear DC,
Defriend him and do it now. It’s not like he’s going to show up on your doorstep tearfully demanding how you could do this to him.
The only reason it’s on your mind is that he’s there in front of you on your newsfeed. And really, if he was such a little squit at school, why would you continue to stay in touch?
If he’s out of your newstream, he’s out out of that irritating spot in your psyche.
Is his life really that fabulous? You only know the small positive bits he puts on Facebook, nowhere near the full story of his life, which, if you are correct about him, is eternally marred by his miserable personality and his dwarf-like physical status. Just because he has a pretty girlfriend doesn’t mean that everything in his life is fabulous. It just means even pretty girls sometimes pick a dud.

Checking up on Exes on Facebook

Dear Cybersorter,
I am internet dating and I’m finding I’ve turned into an online stalker. I’ve been in a series of rubbish relationships and now I’m obsessed with searching the internet (and Facebook) to see what potential dates are like.
I’m chatting to three men who have told me their names (I can cross-reference this with their profile, as many still have public profiles) but it’s also very confusing. Some people’s profile can say “In a relationship” as a joke.
I set up a dummy Facebook account after I heard there is an app that can tell the owner who has visited their page. (I know it’s a fake app but, just in case, using the dummy means no one will know how often I click on them.)
I also regularly check ex-boyfriends’ and dates’ Facebook pages. It’s torture! Is this normal? Or am I turning into a freak? I’m a (fairly) intelligent and independent woman . . . why am I doing this? – GT

Dear GT,
How foolish would we all be to wilfully ignore and refuse to use the phenomenal resource of the internet to research strangers with whom we are considering any sort of a relationship? If one could go to a boyfriend library and look up any individual from A to Z, then one wouldn’t think twice.
It’s sensible to find out a bit about potential dates before you commit to meeting them, though it’s wise to bear in mind that most people try to shape their profiles in a positive light.
It’s unlikely someone’s Facebook profile will read “Education: High Hill High School and Prisoner Reform Centre”. If someone’s profile reads “In a relationship”, though, it’s very likely they actually are. Beware the man who tells you it is a joke. He is almost certainly lying.
There is a difference though, between checking profiles and information online and following them home from work every evening, wearing a wig and a large pair of sunglasses.
No matter how many spam “apps” you see doing the rounds on Facebook, there is not one that can actually tell you who has looked at your profile or how many times. Rather than set up a dummy account, you would do better to visit your privacy settings. Make sure only those who you’ve accepted as friends can see your profile.
Watching exes, though, is different. You need to break-up with them. Social media brings a crossover of relationships that rarely happened before. By checking their updates and focusing on what they are doing you are effectively keeping your side of the romance burning.
One-sided romances are never fun. In fact, you describe it as torture. Stop torturing yourself. Avoid them by deleting exes off your friend lists or at least hiding their updates. You need to feel the void to know it’s actually over and move on.
You are not alone, a recent survey by relationships website YourTango.com found 48 per cent admitted to checking their exes’ Facebook profile too often. You are not a freak, but next time you’re tempted to check the ex, step away from the computer, make a cup of tea and consider what you’re doing to yourself.

"Can i Take my Twitter Followship with me When I Jump Ship?"

Dear Cyber Sorter,
Recently I left a job where I used Twitter to help promote the company. I set up an account and got hundreds of followers in my industry including customers, potential customers and suppliers. The Twitter account has my name on it as well as the company name. I built good relationships with people through Twitter, tweeted in evenings and over weekends outside of normal work hours.
My ex-employer demanded my Twitter password when I got my P45. But social media became part of my role only after I started and isn’t covered under my contract. So I refused; now my ex-colleagues act like I nicked a laptop or something.
I think I should be able to keep the account, change the name on it to just my own and use my Twitter network to help me in my next job. What do you think? Do my tweeps belong to me or to my ex-boss?
FB

Dear FB,
Firstly, don’t be so sure it wasn’t covered in your contact. It may not have been explicit about Twitter, but most contracts aim to thoroughly protect company ownership.
Looking at the issue ethically, if you had gone to every networking event you probably wouldn’t have made as many strong connections as you have managed to build up on Twitter. You “met” these contacts as a representative of your company, but solidified them out of work hours. It’s tempting to think that those you had met face to face, shaken hands with and put drunk into a taxi at 3am would rightfully be yours.
However, your Twitter identity included the name of your company. A significant quotient of your followers came to you on the basis that you were part of the company and, by extension, because of the company’s reputation. They may well not have been as interested in that update about your breakfast roll as the one you sent out afterwards with a link to a company press release. You sound like a successful and conscientious Tweeter. As such you will have been an asset to your old company and enhanced its reputation.
As in most separations, dividing up the assets is a challenge. While the Twitter account was your hard work, it was set up specifically within and as part of the company you worked for. You would have also spent plenty of company time building up your Twitter profile.
If the Twitter account had been in your name only then you would be entitled to keep your tweeps. However, the company trusted you to use its name. You should hand the account back to the company, making sure your name is removed.
However, you are entitled to get back in touch with your tweeps via your new Twitter account. This shouldn’t be difficult if you have already established proper relationships with them.

RT Etiquette

Dear Cybersorter,
What is the difference between symbols for retweeting, such as “?”, instead of the acronym “RT” in Tweets
Can I safely use the symbol for retweeting that is inserted by my Twitter application regardless of what application my followers use?
Or would using the acronym “RT” be safer and better etiquette. Does everyone understand these symbols or do they automatically convert to “RT” for anyone using an application that doesn’t support these kind of symbols?
H.O

Dear H.O,
The short answer is yes, you can safely use the symbol for RTing regardless of the application your followers use.
According to Twitter supremo Damien Mulley of Mulley Communications, “Retweeting was invented by the users, not Twitter and Twitter then made this function official.”
The old method of retweeting took up precious characters out of the 140 allowed per tweet so Twitter invented an RT button that used your avatar pic to notify a retweet.
Mulley also notes that though the new method of RTing keeps all context, “users have noted an old-style manual RT can get more attention as it’s your icon and username that shows up, so people will look at a username theyre familiar with.”

Celebrity Tweeters Who Don't Reply

Dear Cyber Sorter,
There is one thing that really annoys me: when you address someone on Twitter by using @whoever and they don’t bother to reply. I’m not the first person to notice it. Tweets are ignored nine times out of 10 by some female bloggers (in my experience) and some media personalities. My question is, why have a presence on Twitter if you don’t partake in conversation?
Twitter is a social network designed to aid conversation. In my view, there are no classes on it. Therefore, I wish certain people would learn how to converse with ordinary people who share a common interest in micro blogging.
ME

Dear ME
The problem with getting frustrated with people who don’t respond on Twitter is that they can’t see your frustration and they don’t care. You can’t make someone be your friend just because you follow them, even if they follow you too.
Although the general Twitter community understands and plays by the rules, some users just want to put their messages out without engaging fully.
Unfortunately Twitter is as much about class, cliques and peer groups, if not more so, than real space is.
Most celebrities and high-profile people on Twitter will receive more @ messages daily than they could possibly respond to. It would require yet another personal assistant, but only the odd politician seems to be able to stretch to one of those these days.
Ignoring tweets sent to them and not being polite will impact more negatively on those who are unknown. Bloggers need people to talk about them – positively or negatively – in order to build a reputation and a following that could bounce them into profitability.
If some other Tweeters are just not that into you, don’t waste any more time on them.
Move on and develop your better, more polite, connections.

Facebook Messages From The Grave

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I’m not on Facebook. I signed up about two years ago and almost immediately deleted my account without ever having added any friends. It just wasn’t for me.
An old friend of mine, who was on Facebook, died recently. It seems that before he died, he changed his Facebook email address to mine, so I am getting notifications from Facebook of emails from people I don’t know, which are obviously for him.
The most disturbing one, on the day he died, was from his brother telling him to get in touch, as “everyone” was worried about him. I clicked on a link to stop getting notifications from Facebook, but I got another one again today. I can’t sign in to his Facebook account, of course, as I don’t know the password.
Is there any way I can disconnect my email address from his Facebook account? It’s more than a little creepy to be getting emails meant for someone who is no longer with us. I don’t really want to change my email address as I’ve had it for a long time. I also don’t want to deactivate the account as he obviously wanted someone to see these messages after he was gone.
Can you think of anything I can do? Thanks for your help. – ND


Dear ND,
I can only imagine how unsettling it must be to get unexpected Facebook emails from the grave. I admire your desire to protect his wishes to some extent and can see why you would be reluctant to close the account, but it is very important that you de-link your email from his account. It is also within your power.
As the email address holder you can easily request a new password from Facebook, using the email address as a login, and clicking “Forgot Password?”.
Facebook has a Statement of Rights and Responsibilities. By putting his Facebook account into your email domain, your friend violated sections 4.1 and 4.9 of that statement.
I don’t know how well you know his family, or if you know them at all, but I suggest you contact them and tell them about his Facebook page. They may or may not know it exists and they may or may not find comfort in it, but they are the appropriate people to deal with it.
They may wish to manage his Facebook page to close it down. Either way, it is rightfully their choice. You could suggest to them that the email address for the account is changed to a family members email account.
In the meantime, you might consider setting up a new email account for his Facebook account (eg steveinmemoriam@gmail.com). This will sever the personal link between your email account and his Facebook page, but will honour his desire to have his messages continued. When you make contact with his family, you can hand over the new email address and password to them.

Calling LinkedIn Targets "Friends"

Dear Cybersorter,
I want to connect to some business people on LinkedIn to try and boost my job prospects.
I have sent out lots of requests citing the contact as a “friend” because I haven’t done business with them. That’s the point.
I want to do business with them but first I have to contact them. Is there a better way to do this?
– SR

Dear SR,
Despite LinkedIn’s tagline, “Relationships matter”, they don’t – at least not to people who don’t have any relationship with you already. It’s frustrating for those who wish to make new contacts but not those who don’t wish to be automatically opened up to every Tom, Dick and SR begging for a job.
Sorry.
At least send a polite introduction note, rather than the automatically generated “SR has indicated that you are a friend. I would like to add you to my professional network.” Those two sentences suggest you are lazy, you haven’t checked anything out thoroughly and you have just called the person a friend while trying to join their professional network, quite possibly denoting mild schizophrenia.
It’s not a great idea to send out requests willy nilly as you are more likely to irritate than ingratiate.
What works best is contacting people directly, by phone or email or better still, in person (that’s not a free pass to walk up and down their street all night until they either come out or call the police)

"My Child Encountered Disturbing Content Online on a Safe Site"

Dear Cybersorter,
My 10-year-old son is currently a bit obsessed with unsolved mysteries such as UFOs, the Yeti, etc. We got him a kid-friendly book on the subject, not too scary.
However, he pulled a few terms from it, did a search online and found himself on a conspiracy theory message board.
Here, he read a post by someone ranting on about finding and killing children. He didn’t mention it at the time, but wasn’t himself for a couple of days.
When I pushed him on it, he broke down and told me about the site. While it wasn’t porn, it featured some pretty warped views and genuinely scared him.
I have always relied on education and trust when it comes to internet content, and wouldn’t like to only allow him access to a version of the internet that is stripped-down.
That said, he has pretty much stopped using the internet since this happened, so I would consider filtering software if he was happy with it too.
– E O’N

Dear E O’N,
It’s great you have encouraged your son’s interests by giving him free access to the widest and most accessible database to ever grace the earth.
The fact that he seems shy of the internet after such a nasty shock is a strong sign you should step in and manage his access.
Any content that you suspect is illegal should be reported to the police. Check out hotline.ie – an anonymous facility for reporting. They also have advice and links for filtering software and other safety sites.
Setting a few basic filters will allow your son to use the internet without either of you worrying about what he will turn up.
However, those filters would not have stopped your son from seeing what he did on that open forum. when letting your children range over the Internet it really is best to be someone in the proximity, keeping an eye on what's going on.
Just like in real life, you can occasionally encounter a dangerous nut case. You need to equip your child with how to deal with this, ideally before it happens. Sit down with your child and talk to them about what they should do if they come across disturbing contect or someone innaproriate tries to make contact with them. Firstly they should tell you about it. they should not engage with the person at all and if at all possible that person should be blocked from any further access to your child.

Do I friend my sister’s boyfriend on Facebook or ignore to avoid awkwardness if they ever break up?

Dear Cybersorter,

Do I friend my sister’s boyfriend on Facebook or ignore to avoid awkwardness if they ever break up?
– AO

Dear AO,
If he hasn’t yet requested Facebook friendship, leave it for a couple of months. If he has it would be, well, unfriendly, to ignore him.
I recommend obfuscation. Tell him you don’t actually use it much or check it regularly. That way you can wait and see if the relationship looks like it’s long term or terminal.
Of course if you do friend him and they break up it’s probably not going to be as awkward as you think because you won’t be seeing him anymore. Then you can comfortably, even with a touch of glee depending on the breakup circumstances, de-friend him.
No one can really blame a sibling for sticking with blood over water in that situation.
If you do decide to friend him, be warned. You may well be exposed to slushy or even risque lovey dovey exchanges between him and your sister while they enjoy the first flush of their romance.
It would be a shame to end up having to consume anti-nausea tablets before logging in.

"Facebook is Evil and Should be Shut Down"

Dear Cybersorter,
I’ve heard that if you join FB you will get an STI, a riot round your house, your children kidnapped and while you’re out looking for them someone on Facebook will burgle your house.
Surely it should be shut down?
– DB

Dear DB,
There are many scary stories out there, particularly about Facebook. When you consider most people hadn’t heard of it five years ago and now about 50 per cent of its five million worldwide users log on in any given day – and it has recently been valued at $37.4 billion (€50 billion) – it’s not surprising that mainstream media along with everyone else are a bit, well, freaked out by it.
Endless salacious headlines, such as “Internet shopping for the burglars” (UK Daily Mail , August 2009) and “I am away from home, PleaseRobMe.com” (The Register.co.uk September 2010) don’t ease security fears.
Then there are the urban myths: “My colleague’s cousin got burgled when someone read they were away on holiday on their Facebook page” or “A friend of my son’s girlfriend got bullied on Facebook.”
It has happened in real life, but it’s rare and if you are sensible about what you put online, it’s irrelevant.
If you announce your every move, including holiday absences on your status updates and leave your privacy settings wide open then you make it more likely you could get burgled while you’re out.
Think of Facebook as your personal shotgun. If you aim right it can score you your next meal, if you are ignorant of how it works, how to deal with it and what the basic rules are then you will likely shoot yourself or someone else in the foot or worse.
If you don’t like it, don’t use it. Either way, and even if your computer gets a really nasty virus, you won’t get an STI from using it. Happy hunting.

"Not Happy About Digital Pictures of my Children"

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I am constantly asked by friends and relatives to send digital pictures of my son to them on e-mail, post them on Facebook and so on. I dont want to do this, but I feel bad saying no. I have a real problem with pictures of kids being thoughtlessly posted on the internet by parents and guardians. I am unhappy that pictures of my son (he is three) could be sent all over the internet outside of my control, cached on computers God knows where, and forwarded or downloaded and viewed by people I dont know or don’t like. My sons image is his own, though I have to take decisions for him now, including enforcing his right to privacy. But once the digital images go into cyberspace they are outside of my control and his. If he decides to put all his pictures on the internet when he is older, then so be it. For now I want to give him a future option of not being embarrassed, frightened or annoyed by these pictures. How do I tell people demanding these digital images that they are not going to get them and why not?
H

Dear H,
Your aim to protect your son’s image is admirable, even if other parents and relatives are less concerned. Overall, it is better to treat his privacy with respect and caution.
The chances are low of your child’s image, among the millions posted every day on Facebook and other social-networking sites, being ill used. However, pictures of children posted by parents with low privacy settings have been misappropriated and used in disturbing settings, such as dating sites.
Facebook lays claim to intellectual-property rights on any photos or videos you post on its site. This means pictures of your son could be copied, sold and used in public without your permission
Your decision may be frustrating for close relatives, such as grandparents who live some distance away and want to see and show off pictures to their friends who are doing the same.
E-mail is a much safer way to send digital photos, however. It is a closed loop, and you can further protect your photos by writing code into the pictures so they cannot be copied.
You could also offer instead to send regular CDs or hard copies of pictures and regular Skype/video chat with trusted relatives and friends.
If you have a persistent nagger on the subject, ask them if they would like pictures taken of them, at work, out having a good time or without their top on and posted on the internet without their permission.
Explain that you believe a child’s image should be particularly carefully guarded because of their lack of say in the matter and their vulnerability, and in the interests of safeguarding their future.

Pesky Instant Messages for the Middle Man

Dear Cyber Sorter,
My flatmate’s ex-girlfriend is stalking me on Facebook. I live in a shared house and I’m always friendly with visitors but this woman takes the biscuit. She broke up with my flatmate about three months ago, breaking his heart. After a couple of weeks’ silence, I was on Facebook when a chat message popped up from her saying, “Hi”.
I ignored it, knowing what was coming and sure enough another one pinged. “How’s John? I've been a bit worried about him.” 
This is all none of my business, but she’s forcing me into the middle of it by showing her concern to me and not him. Do I tell him about these messages or is it better to leave it alone? I wish she would just leave me out of it.
GB

Dear GB
You should leave her out of it. De-friend her. Although it might feel like a horrible thing to do, it removes you from the situation so she can’t ease her conscience or play her games or whatever she’s doing through you.
It will force her to either contact him and make reparations or leave him alone to get over it. Neither option should involve you.
It’s also not nice for her to see you online, send you messages and get no response.
You could just switch your chat status off so she can’t see when you are online. But really, why stay connected to her online when she’s not really your friend and is making you uncomfortable?
If she can ditch her boyfriend of two years, then you can ditch her, your flatmate’s ex-girlfriend

"The Boss Wants me to Tweet as Him"

Dear Cyber Sorter,
Our company is holding a big convention at the end of the month and my boss has asked me to tweet as him from his personal account during the conference. He explained that he couldn’t keep his followers updated and answer their questions while also running the convention, but that he didn’t want to go silent on them at this important juncture. Wouldn’t pretending to be my boss on Twitter, even though he has asked me to do so, be unethical?
MA

Dear MA,
Asking an employee to take over your Twitter account comes off as smarmy. Building up a Twitter following is equal to building relationships. Trust is harder to achieve in Twitterland because we cannot see each other interacting. Once the trust is built, it would be foolish to gamble with it.
However, there is no reason taking over your boss’s account at his behest should have to be an underhand operation. Your boss must first tweet that during the convention “MA” will be on hand on his Twitter feed to answer questions and to keep his followers properly updated, while he gets on with running it.
To further clarify, you should then end all tweets you send under his account with “^MA”. This is particularly important to remember when you are replying to any personal tweets that have been sent to your boss.

Teenage Twitter and Facebook Addicts

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I have two teenagers, 13 and 15, who are addicted to Facebook and Twitter. It has got to the point where it’s hard to drag them away from constant updating and newsfeed monitoring for a hot meal and an occasional wash.
This Christmas my parents-in-law will be joining us. The children love their grandparents but their childish adoration and fascination with them has given way to adolescent nonchalance.
They are open and gregarious to their friends, with whom they exchange up-to-the-minute bulletins of their lives and interests, but anyone who doesn’t use social media doesn’t exist, and to their way of thinking probably doesn’t have the right to, either.
I tried putting a blanket Christmas ban, but there was an outcry (oh, the drama! “Fine!,” yelled daughter, “but you will be responsible for ruining not just my Christmas but MY ENTIRE, LIKE, LIFE!”)
Help!
MD

Dear MD,
The first seven words of your e-mail were enough to alert me to the fact that you have a serious problem, or two.
Fortunately there are a couple of solutions;
1) Friend them on Facebook and follow them on Twitter. Then interrupt their conversations. Write on their wall with attention-grabbing messages such as “Please come downstairs for your dinner now, you ungrateful little whatsit. PS Justin Bieber rang for you but you didn’t hear me call.”
2) Leave them to it and after Christmas dinner is over lightly suggest that the little darlings show granny and grandpa how to use this wonderful newfangled technology. Then hide in the kitchen with a large glass of wine and that new novel you bought yourself.

Unthinking Updates Offend Family

Dear Cyber Sorter,
My great grandmother died last month at the age of 95. She wasn’t the easiest of women but she was loved and looked after by all of us in our extended family.
She was very wealthy.
My second cousin had moved in with her a few years ago to look after her and had seemed very close to her.
I have just found out that the very next day after my great grandmother died my second cousin wrote the following Facebook update.
“Granny died last night :-(. Today I’m going shopping :-).” The family is in uproar.
JS

Dear JS,
Time and again people update their status, forgetting that they have friended family and work colleagues. Your cousin’s actions display a complete lack of moral, ethical and diplomatic judgment. However, they also give you a valuable insight into her motives and her true feelings about the while episode.
In consolation, your great grandmother is beyond being hurt (and likely had an inkling anyway) by your cousin’s lack of sincerity in the face of her demise.
Also, it can be hard to fully translate the tone of an update. It is possible for most of us to be genuinely saddened by the death of a family member and at the same time be consoled by an inheritance. After all, ’tis the season for retail therapy.

"Spotify/Facebook Linkup Reveals my Naffness!"

Dear Cybersorter,
Recently I started using Spotify, the digital music service. I logged in using my Facebook ID so I could see my friends’ music. But now Spotify uses my Facebook account to tell the world – meaning that my FB friends now know my secret listening habits, including really embarrassing 1980s electro-pop. But because Spotify is all-you-can-eat music, I pick the music I never bothered to buy on iTunes – and those are the songs I get outed for on FB. Can I still spy on my friends’ music and hide my own?
RP

Dear RP,
You can try two different approaches
1)Simply log in to your Facebook account as soon as you have updated a Spotify list and click the “Remove” button on the update.
2)Spotify recommends selecting the “people” icon on the top right corner of your Spotify homepage and choose “Disconnect from Facebook”.
To ease your embarrassment, 1980s electro-pop is so naff it must be making a comeback soon enough. It only takes one of your “cool” friends to decide it is back in and hey presto, you turn magically from an out-of-date saddo to a retro trendsetter. It’s all in the attitude.

Knowing your Facebook Lists From Your Groups

Dear Cybersorter,
I didn’t want my Facebook friends from work to see my photos so I took your advice and made a friends list. Except I made a group rather than a friends list and all my work colleagues got a mail asking them if they wanted to join my group “Prying Busy Bodies”.
I think I’ve managed to pass it off as a joke but the atmosphere in my workplace has cooled significantly.
I wanted to alert your readers to this easy mistake and ask you why the hell you didn’t point this out in your previous columns?
JW

Dear JW,
Surprisingly, I have some sympathy for your situation. I am unfortunately familiar with the stomach-churning moment of discovering I’ve made a social faux pas. It happens because the flight response has been triggered and you receive a dose of adrenalin to enable you to run away from the rage you have provoked in another animal.
In this case you have taunted the grizzly bear that resides in the cubicle next you, and presumably, the giant mummy bear in the boss’s office.
I will forgive your wild wagging of the finger of blame as you are obviously still licking your self-induced social wounds. It was your choice to label your group with an insult. The best advice to anyone and everyone in general, when it comes to using social media, is to be aware that anything you do on it may become public, most likely by your own hand and possibly by technical hitch.
To make a friends list you click on “friends” on the left-hand side of your home page. Then click “Edit friends” and “Create a list”. To make a group you click on “Create Group”.

Facebook Charity Fatigue

Dear Cybersorter,
I am getting Facebook charity request fatigue. I used to log in and find out what my friends are up to.
Now if I’m not being urged to update my status with a conscience-raising message then I’m being asked left, right and centre to donate money. Someone is climbing a mountain and wants cash, someone else is running a marathon and another person is growing or shaving dodgy facial hair.
These are my friends and I want to help out, but I’m starting to avoid logging in to my Facebook page like I avoid those manic-looking charity collectors in the sports bibs on O’Connell Street.
– GH

Dear GH,
It’s so much easier to ignore a piece of post sent anonymously through the letterbox than to tell a friend or colleague you won’t cough up. Charities know this. Thus it feels like your Facebook newsfeed is attempting to milk you dry. In these dark days of bills and financial fear, another request for cash can feel overwhelming.
The good news is you know and trust the people asking for the money (or at least you should) so it will go to the good cause stated.
Remember that you might want to put a request or ask a favour of your Facebook friends sometime, but it is perfectly acceptable not to give to everything you are asked and what is given should be donated anonymously.

"My Siblings Facebook Updates Make Me Queasy"

Dear Cybersorter,
I’m a little disturbed at my siblings’ Facebook updates. My sister’s boyfriend posts messages on her FB page publicly writing “I love you, I love you” and “You’re bleedin deadly” – to which their mutual friends post comments such as “fag” in response. Some of his other comments aren’t printable in such an esteemed publication as this.
It’s not just them. My youngest brother’s updates are often about going to the pub or coming from the pub, there’s only so many times I can “like” his updates before feeling like an enabler.
I seem to have more interaction with them by “likes” and “pokes” than in person these days, but their updates are a bit freaky, what should I do?
– PP

Dear PP,
Compartmentalising your social life on Facebook is as tricky as handling PR for a big married sports personality who has had testosterone shots.
It’s just so much easier to shout “I love you” as you flee the family home after Sunday lunch for the psychological comfort of your own living space, than to read about your brother’s drinking habits or your sister’s sex life and her ardent boyfriend’s homophobic mates.
But – deep breath – we are where we are. Make friends lists and put your siblings on one. Then your senses won’t be assaulted by intimate details about family members every time you log in.
You should block them from your newsfeed, then you won’t upset them by de-friending. You can check in on them every now and then, when you’re feeling strong and/or you’ve drunk enough whiskey to dull the pain.

"Stalking" the Ex on Facebook

Dear Cybersorter,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of eight years. The split was amicable and I haven’t blocked him on Facebook.
I’m worried I am watching his profile too much. Even when I’m out, I take a quick look to see whether he has posted something and what’s going on with him.
My friends are laughing about it and calling me a stalker.
I’m wondering if it means I want to get back with him or is this normal just broken-up behaviour? – DG

Dear DG,
I can’t tell you whether you want to get back together with him or not. I can tell you that continuing a one-sided relationship in your imagination by following his every move on Facebook will make that decision almost impossible to make with a clear head.
You need to hide his updates and stop checking his profile altogether. Watching his movements from afar allows you to continue a relationship with him, and to interpret/misinterpret how he’s feeling about things. Things like you.
If you aren’t looking each other in the eye and touching each other occasionally then it isn’t a real relationship.
Don’t let those eight years turn into a Facebook ghost that haunts you for another two years before you move on and find new love.

When LOL Isn't Funny.

Dear Cybersorter,
A good friend of mine is really starting to annoy me. Whenever I text her with something or send her a tweet, she nearly always replies with one word: LOL.
For a start, she obviously isn’t laughing out loud (I know I’m funny but these tweets or texts are generally quite mundane). Why is she bothering to waste 5c on a pointless text? It’s patronising, dismissive and so irritating.
I’ve tried asking her: “What’s so funny?” but she just doesn’t reply. How do I get the LOLing to stop? – AF

Dear AF,
It is a bit rude to answer everything with just a LOL. It seems some people are becoming addicted to internet abbreviations and acronyms. For example, “OMG WTF is she wearing, LOL”, would not be an uncommon or unacceptable tweet during the latest episode of the X Factor.
This manner of crunching up our language first developed as a short-hand among friends and inevitably spread to become a handy part of internet subculture.
In your case, it’s being used to fob you off. The offhand nature of it is understandably annoying. Perhaps your friend just has a very busy and important life, too busy and important to respond in kind to you when you make the effort to try and connect with her.
I’m tempted to advise you to respond to the next LOL with a simple FO (Friendship Over) but that would be sinking to her level.
So I suggest you stop texting or tweeting her and wait and see what she does. At the very least, it will break the annoying LOL cycle.

My 10-year-old nephew is on Facebook!

Dear Cybersorter,
My 10-year-old nephew recently popped up on my Facebook chat. I was horrified. I thought kids had to be over 13 to use Facebook.
You should highlight how dangerous this can be in your column. He could have talked to anyone.
MB

Dear MB,
Your nephew wasn’t talking to anyone, he was talking to you. To do so he would have had to have requested friendship and you would have had to accept it, or the other way round. So, unless you harbour a deranged ill-intent towards your own nephew, he is likely perfectly safe.
However, you are right about Facebook’s policy being for 13 and over, but Facebook is not an omnipotent being. It’s a platform. You should talk to his parents and make sure they monitor his internet use. Suggest to them that he should be on a safer social network for children, such as togetherville.com. Here, grown-ups sign in through their own Facebook account and can monitor everything that their child is doing online.

"My Sister in Law is Flirty on Facebook"

Dear Cybersorter,
My brother’s wife is very flirtatious with men on Facebook. She will often write a comment whenever they post even the most banal rubbish about their lunchtime sandwich.
She’s always been, errm, bubbly, but now she’s bordering on risqué. Recently she posted a You Tube video of Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday, Mr President on her male friend’s wall for his birthday. I think she’s going too far.
I was going to tell my brother about it but they are friends on Facebook so he must know. How can I get her to stop?
AP

Dear AP,
From your email I get the impression you don’t much like your sister-in-law. You don’t exactly call her a selfish harpy but it’s there between the lines.
If your brother hasn’t mentioned it then it’s probably best not to bring it up. It might pain him to discuss something he has chosen to ignore. This doesn’t excuse her neurotic and narcissistic approach to social media relationships.
It’s not cool, when married, to stalk around Facebook waiting for cute guys and hanging on every word they post. For starters, it grossly swells the subject’s ego. Something we could all do without. I suggest one of two options:
1)Every time you see her flirt, post your own comment underneath: “Oh sis-in-law, you are SUCH a flirt ;-)” or “Sis-in-law, how can you write that when you know cheese sandwiches constipate you!?”
It is bitchy but it lets her know you are watching her behaviour. Hopefully, this will embarrass her into chilling out with the hot type.
Set a time limit on it. You don’t want to stalk her or ruin her online life. Well, maybe you do, but I don’t.
2)De-friend her. It’s your brother’s private life, not yours and it’s essentially harmless as far as you know. You may be the only person bothered by her behaviour. So stop looking at it.

My Business Follower Numbers are Leaping up and Down.

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I’m a little perplexed :/
My business Twitter account normally picks up two to four followers a day. I like to thank them for the follow. Recently, though, my followers have jumped to 84 and then another 112 in two days. Great! Or is it?
I’ve checked as many as I can and they don’t seem to be spam. Could the trigger be that I recently hit the 1,000 followers mark?
I like the personal touch but feel I can no longer maintain it if this continues, what’s going to happen tomorrow, another 150? I’ve got work to do!
MLN

Dear MLN,
While it’s nice to acknowledge new followers it isn’t essential to having the personal touch. Replying to messages directed at you and following back those who retweet you is a more genuine way of connecting.
Your growth in followers could be down to others putting you on lists, which their followers then automatically follow.
It's worth installing an app, such as MyCleener to go through your follow list and delete any innactive accounts, that is thos who are following you who never tweet.
Check out 10 twitter Tools to Effectively Manage Your Followers from DailyBlogger.com
It may be time to consider hiring someone to monitor and manage you online presence – for goodness sake, treat it with some respect. Several very big companies have made the mistake of underpaying someone inexperienced in PR, used an intern to run their social media or ignored the sector entirely, only to find themselves in some seriously expensive PR doo dah.

On Twitter a Self Invitation is No Invitation

Dear Cyber Sorter,
I was on Twitter the other evening and bumped into a couple of good friends. We ended up arranging to have coffee. We didn’t go to direct message because there were four of us.
Then an acquaintance of mine tweeted all of us asking to join in.
She is a very nice person but completely out of context with my other friends.
I felt I couldn’t say no, but it will ruin our gossip because I know her in a professional capacity and my other friends in a private, personal one.
Was it reasonable of her to hijack our social group via Twitter?
CF

Dear CF,
Not really. It’s never a good idea to invite or insinuate oneself along to a social gathering without first being encouraged in some way. Look at The Talented Mr Ripley.
All Twitter friends were not made equal and less socially adept users often make these sorts of awkward blunders. The organic open nature of chat between friends on Twitter lends itself to this kind of conundrum.
This is one of the reasons making personal arrangements on Twitter is ill-advised. Unless your tweets are protected, it is more public than Facebook or LinkedIn.
The general rule is that after a couple of tweets, take your conversation off the stream and direct message your close friends, suggesting a move onto a private group message on Facebook or email.
This time, respond gracefully and see what comes of it. You never, know, she might be your next new bff . . . just don’t get in a boat with her.

Someone Put Me On A Twitter List of "Female Companions"

Dear Cyber Sorter,
Recently I received a weird Follow Friday (#FF) on Twitter. A number of women were named in this #FF; as I did not recognise them I clicked on their names to learn more about them. Their photos were all a bit suggestive, to say the least.I decided to check which lists I’d been placed on by fellow Twitter folk.
I was on the lists that are typical for people in my field, so everything seemed normal until I scrolled down further and found my name had been added to a “female companions” and “escorts” list.
How do you remove yourself from these lists, or can I control who puts me on which lists? Will blocking the person who sent me the #FF and reporting it as spam do any good or do I need to complain to Twitter and ask to be removed from the list?
WEM

Dear WEM,
Like Facebook, Twitter is a platform for people to self-publish, so it keeps a very loose rein on how its users behave. You can block and report someone, however. Twitter suspends accounts that get several spam reports.
You have no control over being placed on such a list, but by blocking its creator you remove yourself from it. Definitely block the user who sent the #FF and report it as spam: it would seem someone has maliciously placed you on this list. It might be sensible to protect your tweets from now on, so that only followers you approve can see your tweets and they no longer show up on a public Google search.
Although there is a recession on, and we may occasionally joke about selling our bodies, it is exceptionally bad form for someone else to do it for us.

"Am I right in blocking people on Twitter who never reply to my tweets? "

Dear Cybersorter,
Am I right in blocking people on Twitter who never reply to my tweets?
I was following and being followed by someone who was in my industry and I admit they were in a position to help me out so I connected with them on Twitter and would retweet some of their better stuff and occasionally replied to a question they put out.
They never responded to me, though they did follow me.
I think it’s incredibly rude, but my boyfriend says some people with loads of followers can’t answer every tweet they are sent.
MP

Dear MP
It’s a personal choice. Your boyfriend is right to some extent. If someone in a position of power has many followers (more than 2,000) then it would be a full time job for them to respond to everything tweeted at them.
However, it is bad Twitter etiquette not to acknowledge a follower, whom you also follow, when they have tweeted and re-tweeted you many times. A quick shout out to a few followers who have contributed in the past week is good manners.
Cutting off someone on Twitter who can potentially help your career is not smart.
While they might not respond, they are reading you, offering an endless opportunity to impress.
Of course, you can also impress on them that you are an idiot, so think about what you are tweeting.
Don’t delete them; keep at it.

To Recommend or not to Recommend - on LinkedIn

Dear Cybersorter,
Last year I moved to London. When my old company in Dublin recently went into liquidation, I wasn’t surprised.
One of my ex-colleagues asked me to recommend him on LinkedIn, the social network for business people. But I don’t know if this ex-colleague is mixed up in what went wrong. If I recommend him I worry I’ll be tainted with the company’s failure and I don’t really know all the facts.
But this person was loyal to me at the old job and I feel like I should help him. Should I recommend him or not?
AF

Dear AF,
Writing a recommendation on LinkedIn goes one step further than an ordinary one. All your contacts and theirs can see what you have written.
This is why recommendations on LinkedIn are more highly valued, and less easily given, than a To Whom it May Concern envelope.
In any recommendation, you can write only about what you know of the person.
You should give your ex-colleague benefit of the doubt. Business failure, especially in this climate, does not automatically denote wrongdoing.
It is sensible to be mindful of your reputation, but individual relationships are the building blocks of good reputations. If you believe this person is competent and of good character then you should say so.
Returning the loyalty shown to you is good – and also good business.

Tweeting about your Sex Life TMI?

Dear Cybersorter,
I follow someone on Twitter who, among other things, tweets about her sex life.
She’s very clever and tweets about all sorts of stuff, from politics to sport, but occasionally she will announce that she has just “done it”.
I find them entertaining, but even though they don’t read like TMI (too much information); surely tweeting anything about your sex life is TMI? Should I advise her to stop?
LM

Dear LM,
You should not. If her tweets are not graphic or offensive then it’s not your place to censor her.
Tweets now last only four days before being swept away, so there’s less chance of this coming back to bite her.
However, she should be sure her partner is comfortable with this personal information being released to the wider public, particularly as tweets are time-sensitive.
People she encounters in a professional capacity may know she’s been in bed instead of working, but really, what sort of kill joy would fire a person for that?
One of the reasons you follow her is her funny tweets, so her personality, including a propensity to share personal details, is a draw.
Don’t disapprove; see this as an opportunity to bust out of our sexually repressed past.

Farmville, Mafia Wars and a Lack of Real Posts from Freinds

Dear Cybersorter,
I’m so turned off by Facebook because all I get are updates from Farmville and Mafia Wars and people who like a product, campaign or something else. It takes me time to find a post from a real person.
My inbox is clogged with friends “challenging” me to games or asking me to like something.How do I block this spam without cutting off my friends? SR

Dear SR,
The statistics would suggest you are friends on Facebook with a lot of women around the age of 43. This group is the biggest user of games such as Farmville and Happy Aquarium.
Women of this age are generally considered a sensible bunch so it’s surprising they have taken up such an irritating pastime.
There are also all sorts of products and brands that are only now finally waking up to the fact that Facebook can allow them to access large numbers of people.
This, teamed with recession-hit ad men who are displaying the desperate cunning of a fox during hunting season, are what is causing your Facebook spam jam.
1) Delete all those pages you have “liked” that you never look at.
2) Hover your mouse over any Farmville update and click on the X. Chose “Hide Farmville”. This works for most social media games.
3) Don’t be afraid to ignore or delete anyone or anything you are not interested in.

Trouble when My Social Spheres Mix on Facebook

Dear Cybersorter,
I have about 300 Facebook friends. They come from different sectors of my life and therefore hold very different values and views.
In the last two weeks I’ve managed to offend the local friends and some of my more urbane friends with updates.
I need Facebook as an outlet for my many and varied opinions and don’t want to have to censor myself but all the negative comments are taking too much time and doing my head in.
DB

Dear DB,
In the words of George Costanza: “Worlds collide, Jerry!”
The merging of previously compartmentalised friendship groups is one of social media’s biggest etiquette challenges.
When we first started using Facebook and Twitter, only a few of our geeky mates were on it. Now you can’t move out there in cyberspace without bumping rudely into ex-boyfriends, grandmothers and work colleagues.
Your answer is simple, Facebook provides Friends lists for just such problems.
Click on “Account”, “Help” and search “Friends Lists”. The first result tells you how to set up friends lists. Put your different sets of friends in separate lists. Then, when you have a thought or opinion that will challenge those of one of your lists go right ahead and post it for them.
Everyone should be encouraged to question and debate their beliefs, including you.
Social media can work for “the little person” to score points against a more powerful entity . . . but more times than not the “little person” only damages themselves further

Venting about Work on Facebook

Dear Cybersorter,
My sister has been having a hard time from a colleague at work and started posting updates to Facebook about it.
This colleague, who is in a superior role to her, has been nasty and is bullying her.
She doesn’t name anyone specifically and says it’s just a great way to vent. She also says it is a good way to build up a case against the company, since the HR person won’t do anything to help.
She is obviously feeling a bit desperate, but is she doing the right thing or not? Her privacy settings are on “Friends Only”.

Name withheld

Your sister probably finds that her Facebook updates are giving her a feeling of control over a situation in which she feels powerless.
Social media can work as a tool for “the little person” to score points against a more powerful entity. However, more times than not the “little person” only damages themselves further by airing their grievance online, even if only to friends.
Her updates may not reflect at all well and could even be turned against her if things come down to a legal situation.
If her workplace has a social media policy, she may be in breach of it. It is best to combat aggressive, unprofessional behaviour by sticking closely to the accepted professional conduct in such situations. Your sister should document the instances of bullying in a completely private diary. She should also make regular, calm, emailed notes to HR outlining the problem and requesting a meeting.
She doesn’t have to put up with the bullying but the half-measure of venting her feelings on Facebook could land her in trouble.
She would do better to use the web to find support resources. Check out imt.ie for a recent feature on bullying in the workplace.

My Colleague Insists on Facebook Freindship

Dear Cybersorter,
A colleague, with whom I’m connected on LinkedIn, keeps asking me to be Facebook friends. I like to keep my private and personal life separate. How do I get this person off my back?
AN

Dear AN,
You have three options:

1) Obfuscate and lie. Tell your colleague: “Someone actually robbed my Facebook identity! I am in counselling for it at the moment and find any mention of Facebook deeply distressing. It causes my eye to tick . . . can you see my eye ticking? You’ll have to excuse me, I need to ring Dr Vabsokov.”

2) Block your over-enthusiastic colleague on Facebook. This means they will not be able to find you in a search so they can’t send awkward and irritating friendship requests. Then tell them you have deactivated your account.
This precludes you using Facebook in the office (if your colleague were to walk by while you were using it you would need to seriously ham it up, “I’m cured! It’s a miracle! I must call and thank Dr Vabsokov. Now if only I could figure out how to confirm friends . . .”).
If it really is only for private friends then not using it in the office would be a conscientious personal and professional boundary to set.

3) Make a friends list on Facebook for your work colleagues and make sure this person is on it. Only post banal nothings to this list.

My Eight Year Old Wants his own Email Account

Dear Cybersorter,
My eight-year-old wants his own email account. He and his five-year-old brother are now active on peer sites like Binweevils.com and Panfu, for which they have accounts monitored by me or their mum.
But the push for an email account is a push for freedom. So I’m wondering what the common view is?
Some parents seem to be very laissez-faire. I think Im probably draconian, but happily so.
NMG

Dear NMG,
It is understandable that your eight-year-old is frustrated at not being able to move his bin weevil or kung fu panda into the sixth dimension without first having to ask mum or dad to send an email.
The online world is not conducive to the theory of delayed gratification and nor are children, but in this case I think your instinct is sensible.
Sign them up and I predict your next email:
“Dear Cybersorter, My son has just asked me what Viagra does and why it is so expensive. He went on to confess he had given my credit card details to several exiled African princes who offered to post some money to him.”
The wonderful thing about safe online games and chatrooms for kids is that they are carefully policed, both by the platform and the parents.
The solution is simple and relatively cheap. ZooBuh.com is an email account for kids that parents can monitor, set times of use or approve certain email addresses to go straight through.
At €9.31 per year it is considerably cheaper than Viagra and the teenage years in therapy.

Should I Use Social Media to Publicly Humiliate my Theiving Ex?

Dear Cybersorter,
An ex is following me on Twitter – all well and good except he ripped me off years ago.
Then, I was shy and overly accommodating. I knew he had emptied my account pretending my card was stolen – but he knew the Pin. I am ashamed to say, we carried on until a later date when the relationship ended thanks to another crisis.
He’s quite well known now, a consummate professional. Friends find it hilarious, but I have an overwhelming urge to take him to task publically.
GK

Dear GK,
Allowing this man him to continue on now as if nothing has happened is allowing him to continue to use your psyche as a doormat.
I can see how shaming him publicly is tempting. One can be so venomously pithy in 140 characters or less, for example: “#ff @smoothgit if you want bank account cleared out by lying piece of scum with no conscience.”
However tempting it is, though, airing your dirty laundry – or launderer, for that matter – on Twitter tends to draw judgments on, and distancing from, you by other friends.
It doesn’t need to be quite so direct. Try tweeting “@smoothgit Hi, great to be back in touch. I’ll DM my a/c details for the reimbursement.” No one else need know the full details, but he will know exactly what you mean. He will also know that if one of you is now taking it lying down, it will be him.

I Don't Believe his Facebook Personna

Dear Cybersorter,
I have an ex-colleague who I’m almost certain is gay. Shortly after he moved to his new job he started posting pictures of his new girlfriend on Facebook along with out-of-character lovey-dovey messages.
He seems to be performing an online charade in an effort to fit in – or to convince his friends he is straight.
It doesn’t matter to me or his other friends whether he is gay. I would like to explain this to him, as I don’t think he’s happy, but I’m not sure how or if I should. I also feel a bit sorry for the girlfriend.
JO’B

Dear JO’B,
Our Facebook page is a front for the personality we wish to project and polish for our wider circle of friends and acquaintances. By going over the top on Facebook about his current girlfriend your friend is asserting publicly, that he is straight and madly in love.
It is his prerogative to choose if and when he wants to come out and to whom. He may be using this girlfriend unfairly, but he may not. Everyone takes a leap of faith when they begin a relationship. It isn’t your job to protect her heart or his sexuality – and neither would thank you for trying.
Being false comes across thick and fast on platforms like Facebook and Twitter.Whilst users can promote better, more successfull versions of themselves, they can't be someone completely different to who they really are for very long. Other's, like yourself, quickly smell a rat.

The best thing you can do for your freind in this circumstance is keep commucation channells open. If and when his world changes and he come to you for advice, only then should you offer your opinion.

Dyslexia and no Facebook Spellcheck

Dear Cybersorter,
My son is dyslexic. He regularly updates his Facebook profile using faulty spelling. Generally the computer is the dyslexic’s friend as it corrects spelling errors. Facebook, though, doesn’t catch misspelled words. I’m worried a future employer will see his profile page and it will reflect unfairly on him. I would like to broach this with him but I don’t want him to think that I’m snooping on his Facebook profile.
GR

Dear GR,
You are right to be concerned about future employers. A recent Microsoft survey found 70 per cent of hiring managers eliminated job candidates on the strength of their online profiles.
Talk to your son about his privacy settings, which should be set to “friends only”. He should also go through his friends list and defriend anyone who isn’t a real friend. This is good practice for any Facebook user.
There is a simple, free, effective third-party application spell-checker for Facebook. Just go to the search bar and type in “spell-checker”. Click “Like”. If you are friends with your son on Facebook he will see that you have liked a spell-checker and will hopefully take the hint.
If you are not friends with him online and his privacy settings are closed it’s probably best not to badger him. Don’t forget, everyone makes typos on instant messaging and Facebook updates, so he won’t be the only one misspelling. Also remember children and teenagers have their own language, including textese. He’s chatting with his friends online. It’s not important that he spells correctly, only that they understand him.

"How do I Back Off from My Scary Ex Friend"

Dear Cybersorter,
When an ex-IRA superspy friend requested friendship with me I said “yes”. Knowing how folk on Facebook and Twitter like to play around with faux famous names I thought it was someone playing a joke.
He’s been “poking” me a lot, sending messages and having a general gas with me. I’ve been responding, slagging him off, being slightly provocative, and so on. Now I find out from a Belfast mate that this is the guy (not just a namesake) and that he’s a tad obsessive. I felt a bit appalled and want to ditch him but obviously he’s not the kind of character I’d like to offend. Any ideas?
JL

Dear JL,
Block him from viewing your updates on Facebook.
Go to “Account”, “Privacy Settings”, “Customise” settings in the “Sharing” on Facebook section. Click on “Posts by me” and click on the drop-down menu. Select “Customise” and type the name of your superspy in the “Hide this from” box. This is the first step in cooling off the relationship.
He won’t be notified. He will no longer get your written updates in his news feed. This gives him less opportunity to have day-to-day interaction with you. Cool your responses right down. After a month of estrangement, block him on Facebook. Protect your tweets and then block him on Twitter. Once protected, you have to pre-approve all new followers and he won’t be able to view your tweets. If he persists in trying to contact you or makes you uncomfortable or worried, call the Garda and the PSNI

Addicted to Foursquare and Afraid to Leave the Desk

Dear Cybersorter,
I’m addicted to Foursquare, the location-based social network. At the office I’m the “mayor” – the person who “checks in” the most. I know it doesn’t mean much, but at least my boss knows how much I’m at work, and in this economy you can’t do that enough. 
When I go on holiday, would it be wrong to pay somebody at work to keep checking me in so that I can keep my "Mayor"status?
CD

Dear CD,
Paranoia is rife and yours is out to get you.
As a Foursquare player you are probably the competitive sort, and collect friends and followers like a minor but ambitious dictator.
Paying someone to keep checking in at work is cheating. You will also have to leave them with your phone.
This alone, I sense, may not deter you, so consider the following. Your boss knows you are away, so if she sees you checking in on Foursquare she will smell a rat – a rat that’s gone on holiday. That’s one stinky rat.

"My Daughter In Law Tags Bad Pictures of us on Purpose."

Dear Cybersorter,
My husband and I are very private people, but we signed up to Facebook because we wanted to be able to see pictures of our grandchildren from abroad.
Our daughter-in-law frequently posts unflattering photographs of one or both of us at family events, and tags them so they show up on our wall.
Posting them without our permission is bad enough – but being forced to trawl through dozens of pics where we’re shown shiny-faced, close-eyed, or with a glass in hand is downright embarrassing, especially as some old school and college acquaintances have befriended us too.
We’re sure she does it on purpose, but we don’t want to cause a family row about it. Is there a way to prevent our photographs being posted without our permission? Or do you suggest an alternative course of action?
PS

Dear PS,
Other than locking her in your basement (illegal but tempting), you cannot prevent your daughter-in-law from posting or tagging those pictures.
However, you can de-tag yourselves. You can also prevent the photos showing up on your wall. Click on “Account”, then “Privacy Settings”. Click “Customise Settings”. Scroll down to “Photos and Videos I’m Tagged In” – under “Things Others Share”. Click on the lock sign. Click “Customise”. Click “Only You”.
This doesn’t stop other Facebook users seeing these pictures, especially if your daughter-in-law has her privacy settings open.
Ask her politely not to post photos of you on Facebook, or at least not to tag them.
If you really can’t talk to her, and insist on rising above it, post some nice ones of her and tag them “our beautiful daughter-in-law”. If that doesn’t guilt her into stopping, then it’s time to stoop to her level.
You must have a few less-than-perfect pictures of her knocking around? If not, take some, upload and tag them, nothing too nasty, just a bit of nose picking or bottom scratching. Perhaps that one where she’s sunburnt and tipsy? It sends a clear message.

Unrequited Relationship Update

Dear Cybersorter
I have been seeing a man for about two months and he has updated his relationship status to “in a relationship with...” and added my name.
I like him and I’d like to see where this goes, but I’m just about to head off on my holidays and I was hoping to keep things light for a while longer.
I have left him in confirmation limbo for a week, but I can’t hold it off much longer.
Any suggestions?
AF

Dear AF
He is pushing you down the marketing funnel. When a sales person wants to sell you something before you have decided whether you want it or not, they follow a rule.
The customer goes from awareness to consideration to purchase intent. The marketer’s job is to tip you towards purchase intent.
You are aware of him. You are considering him as a possible purchase, but he is slightly tugging you towards his cash register.
This comes down to two words; love and monogamy. If he has declared love and you have demurred, there’s no reason you should capitulate to pressure to announce your attachment to him in such a public manner.
Simply ignore it and enjoy your holiday. If he pressures you over it, you will probably want to run in the other direction. Feel free.

"A Holiday Romance Followed me Home"

Dear Cybersorter,
I had a holiday fling. I am single and I like it that way. When I went off to Ibiza with the lads I met someone who was fun to be with but not exactly my type.
Now she has tried to friend me on Facebook and, though I don’t follow her on Twitter, she follows me. She has started to send me public messages. The most recent one said “I hope you are OK?”
She often reacts to my Twitter updates as if she were in on a conversation with me. It’s like she’s having a relationship with me without my consent.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty. I do like her but I don’t want a relationship with her. What’s the best course of action?
BL

Dear BL
With social media, as with STDs, what goes on holiday no longer stays on holiday. It can follow you home.
Though your email acts tough, it’s clear your conscience is bothering you. What you saw as a holiday fling, she saw as a holiday romance, or possibly a true deep connection to another human being.
If you weren’t clear with her from the beginning about staying separate after you got on the plane home, you have behaved unfairly.
If you like her, you should follow her Twitter feed and send her a direct message. You should apologise for hurting her and explain you are not interested in anything further.
You should then block her for your own and her good. Be aware when you block someone on Twitter, unlike Facebook, they can still see your public profile page.

Picture Tagging Etiquette

Dear Cybersorter
I went on holiday with the girls and took lots of photos. I stuck them up on Facebook, and one of the girls lost it because she’s in a bikini. But she posed for me, and my FB settings are friends-only, so what’s her problem? These photos include several of us, and I don’t want to take them down just because this one girl has got into a strop. What do you think?
SN

Dear SN
You didn’t sneak a zoom lens into your suitcase and stealthily take shots of your friend from behind a cactus. The pictures do not incriminate her, except possibly with the beach fashion police (and they are so 2006). You own these pictures of your holiday, which you had permission to take. If her vanity is crushed because she wasn’t in front of a skinny mirror, it’s not your fault. It is reasonable to de-tag her from the picture, although she can do that herself, but unreasonable for her to demand you take them off the site.
Of course, she may never talk to you again, but would that be such a terrible loss?

Etiquette on Exes on Facebook

Dear Cybersorter
I’ve recently added my ex as a friend on Facebook. Browsing through his photos, I was pleased to see that his new wife is less attractive than me. This has made me wonder about other ex-boyfriends and flings. Would it breach FB etiquette to look them up, just to see who they’ve ended up with?
AC

Dear AC
Beware friending the ex on Facebook. Remember, there’s a reason you aren’t buddies in real life: one of you detests a rather large part of the other. Or, worse, at least one of you is still in love.
Of course, checking out the ex’s new missus is a primary motivation for many to ditch their privacy fears and open a FB account. The fact that you even ask if it is wrong marks you out as rarely ethical.
It is tempting to friend them and make sure the new missus looks like Shrek’s bottom and works in a fish-gutting factory. But what then? Stay friends? Start instant- messaging each other after a row at home? That said, immediately defriending them after finding your info would be rude, shallow and self-serving.
But what is bad Facebook etiquette can make good gossip, not to mention boost the ego. To a large extent we are making the game up as we go along, and all’s fair in love and war. Just don’t get a jolt if you find out that creep you once had a fling with is married to a model with a PhD.

Aunty Dirty Jokes

Dear Cybersorter, My aunt, like many of my older relatives, has recently discovered the joys of emailing. However, she has now taken to spamming me with emails that contain jokes and pictures of questionable content.
I don’t want to block her email completely, but how do I explain to her that she is making me feel uncomfortable and filling up my email account with unwanted junk?
BE

Dear BE,
There can be little as disconcerting as having the olds jump on the internet bandwagon and then graffiti it with filth.
Thank goodness she hasn’t yet infiltrated your Facebook or Twitter friends lists. There are three ways you can solve this.
1) Send her an email. It should begin thus:
Dear Aunty Dirty Jokes,
If I wanted to read bad jokes about pirate’s private parts, I would pick up a tabloid newspaper. I expect better from blood relatives, especially the woman who made me repeat the entire catechism to her when I was seven. Really, Aunt, WWJS (what would Jesus say), not to mention Uncle Brian?
2)I bet you know some filthier jokes. Send all of them to her.
3)I see you use gmail. You can filter her email without blocking it. Next to the “Search the Web” button, click on “Create filter”. Now, you can put Aunty’s dirty emails into a box all of their own (not your inbox). You can also filter emails that carry specific words this way. When you are feeling brave, you can check through subject headers for clean content.

Dating a Constant Updater

Dear Cybersorter,
I have been going out with a lovely fella who is a few years younger than me. Constant FB and Twitter updates, including on our dates, is a norm for him. Being a private sort of person, I find this perturbing.
We’re planning our first proper holiday and I’m really looking forward to it, but the first question he asked was: “Will the hotel have wireless?”
How do I explain that I don’t want my holiday tweeted and twitpic’d to death?
EC

Dear EC,
It’s nice your boyfriend is keen to show you off, but there are limits. There was a misty time when we would only have to brave the pitying look of the chemist as they handed over holiday pictures.
Now, you turn on a big grin with your teeth full of pesto, the Italian waiter staring down your cleavage as he pours the Pinot grigio, and it’s gone halfway round the world and to all your work colleagues before you can say: “Is there something on my face?”
Since you are booking the hotel, find one with a beautiful view and no wifi. Explain, gently, that the phone is not coming. It needs to learn its place in the hierarchy of your relationship. It’s you, him, the cat, the phone – in that order.
Present him with a disposable camera. Then dazzle him with a glimpse of the bikini you intend to wear. He will forget all about his twittering empire for at least seven seconds. Use this time wisely. Hide the phone.

Using Social Media at Work isn't Always Time Wasting

Dear Cybersorter,
I recently started a new job. Many of my colleagues are either mystified about, or don’t care, what I do, so I use Twitter as a support tool to bounce ideas off people in my field and to help people if I can.
One day, some news broke about a local celebrity. I mentioned it to someone in work and, much like on Twitter, the rumour spread through the office.
Someone asked how such a crazy rumour got started and I said: “Well, I started it. But it’s on Twitter.” They all had a good laugh; but I think they felt Twitter is not something you should admit to during work hours. Is it?
SB

Dear SB,
I once worked in an office where the boss would stalk through the open plan desks and, when he found two workers chattering, would shout “Oi! Do i pay you two to stand there blathering on about crap?”
The rest of the office was petrified and a tiny bit pleased, because they were talking rubbish – but only after resolving a work issue.
Good work relationships are seldom confined to discussions about work.
Social media, particularly Twitter, can be a great work resource, giving access to millions of experts who could easily be in the next digital cubicle. It also forces you to get to the point. No one can blather on in 140 characters.
Your problem is perception. Your colleagues are suspicious because they probably don’t understand what you do.
Next time you find a solution on Twitter, share it – and the source – with colleagues. “Finally figured out how to save a voicemail. @whoeversentyouthesolution on Twitter had the answer.”